Let me start by saying that’s not my beautiful wedding dress you see hanging in the window there. Let’s not get overexcited here. Gorgeous yes, mine no. You see, unlike most other girls my age who also happen to love fairytales, fashion and footwear, having a major W-Day (as the bridal magazines say) has never really been my dream. But when (if!) I do have a wedding, I will be sticking firmly to the 10-point checklist below…
- It has to be spontaneous. Because as my mum will tell you, I get so overexcited about special events (proven year after year with birthdays, Christmas and Kylie Minogue concerts) that I always make myself sick! I’m talking puking, fevers, migraines, bed-ridden type sick. So you can only imagine what impending nuptials would do to my immune system!
- There will be no walking down any aisles. In fact, there will be no aisle. Because why on earth would you walk down a piece of carpet while everyone stares at you, just because you’re tying the knot? Unless you’re a film star, red carpet moments are totally overrated and let’s face it… I’d probably just trip and fall flat on my face anyway.
- It will be a flower free zone. I mean honestly, when in real life do you see girls carrying bouquets around? So why would you do it at a wedding? The closest thing to flowers you’ll see me carrying is a Valentino rosette clutch – a girl needs one hand free for champagne after all!
- Forget the idea of a wedding dress! Have you seen my skin tone? Wearing white only serves to make me look blotchy and pink, and there’s no doubt I’d spill vino tinto down the front in minutes. I hate the feel of lace, long gowns make me look dumpy, vintage doesn’t suit my figure shape and those slinky red carpet number should be best left to the celebs (see above!). And as for the Ibiza boho bride look? I’ve seen too many high street versions at Space on a Sunday in summer!
- There will, however, be a damn good ring. Diamonds are forever AND a girl’s best friend after all.
- No one touches my hair or make-up. After six years spent as a beauty magazine on a glossy magazine, I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t like being primped and preened – I wish I did, but it just makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I never ever like the way I look with professional make-up and no one has ever managed to tame my mane better than me (those six years have obviously paid off!) so I’m quite happy to DIY thank you very much. Which leads me to my next point…
- No photos please. Actually, that’s an order. One of my biggest pet hates in life is posing for photos, or even appearing in photos anywhere, any time, let alone having everyone’s iPhone or camera flashing in your face while you’re trying to scoff your cake. If there’s no photos, it also means you don’t have to be on your best behaviour… no fear of getting papped in a precarious predicament! Plus, all my fave photographers will be on the guest list, not working!
- Oh dear God, there will definitely not be any bridesmaids. I think there’s something super weird about lining up a bunch of your mates (that’s after you’ve gone through the trauma of choosing who makes the cut) in matching gowns like a collection of Barbie dolls, letting them make embarrassing speeches about you, insisting they pander to your every whim for a day. Oh, actually that last part sounds bearable…
- Vows? Are you kidding me? I spend all day, every day writing for a career, can you imagine the pressure there would be to be intensely creative with my wedding vows? I get flustered writing on birthday cards at the best of times! And as for those pre-written to have and to hold lines? Not on your nelly.
- I’m saving all my money for the honeymoon! Rather than splash loads of cash on a bunch of things I don’t need or want just ‘because it’s my wedding’, I’ll be living it up a week later in a five-star resort and posting status updates and super glam location photos to make you all jealous on Facebook!
Of course, that’s just me. I will totally rejoice, cry, laugh and enjoy all of my friends’ weddings in due course… just please don’t ask me to be a bridesmaid!
Wedding dress photography by Maria Simon
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